Hidden Behind My Own Words

Welcome Little Butterflies

Today’s post is a little different, in fact, I was inspired by something someone said to me…

“there is still a gap between the girl I see behind the blog, and the girl I talk to in real life”

These words are spot-on. I am two people. I am an author of a blog where I am not afraid to share my story and my insecurities for the whole world to see. Yet, I am a shy, often quiet-spoken girl who is terrified of being hurt by the people surrounding me. I am two people, where I should be one.

In a world of social media, everyone will know the feeling of posting a picture of you smiling appearing to be having the time of your life, yet you know deep down that is not the case at all. Maybe in the picture, you are hiding the clinical depression you’ve been suffering for years unnoticed. Maybe in the picture you’ve just attempted to drown your sorrows in alcohol. Maybe in the picture, you are smiling because you simply want to hide it all… The point is, in a world of social media it is all too easy to paint a picture of this perfect life, where everything is okay and the darkness doesn’t truly hurt you. Even in darkness, it is all too easy to pretend that we are okay, to illustrate a world where positive life lessons stem from the dark times. While I sit here and type these words, I know for a fact that I am guilty of it. I can talk about these negative experiences in the hope that somehow it will make a positive impact in the world. I can explore a side of myself without the complete fear of being hurt in the process of it all. I let myself be vulnerable when I am hidden safely in the comfort of my own home. My words make me appear strong and brave when really, I am petrified. When I hit publish on a blog, although my words sound confident, my hands are shaking, while the photos show smiles, my eyes shed tears. In real life, I am only human.

In real life, painting that perfect picture isn’t always as easy, and you become vulnerable. It is in that vulnerability where I have trusted too much, loved too deeply, and forgiven and forgotten too many times. It is in that vulnerability where I have been hurt, let down, stepped on, backstabbed, and left alone. Friends. Boys. Family. Strangers. All with the potential to hurt me. All that have hurt me ~ in real life… Today, I stay reserved. I am quiet. I am shy. I fear being hurt, let down, stepped on, backstabbed and left alone again.

I am two people. I feel that with these words I can share a part of myself that I never dare speak in real life. I feel that within these words I find strength, I didn’t know I had. I find the strength to share my stories, my insecurities, and to be a little vulnerable again. Maybe, just maybe, as I continue to discover who I am, I will grow and develop the strength to not be so afraid of the world, of people. Maybe one day I will be as brave and confident as my words are, in real life! ~ I will keep working on that.

However, just know that behind these words of strength, of confidence is still a very shy and scared girl, with shaking hands and teary eyes. Behind that photo, you just liked on Instagram that person is probably also having a hard time. Social media knows how to fool us all into pretending and often believing that life is pretty dang good, even if we all know, deep down, that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Remember it’s okay to not be okay, and you don’t always have to pretend you are. Be the one person, rather than two, even for a little while. *Easier said than done.

Now Fly Free Little Butterfly.

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